Okay, being that I'm about 200 pounds lighter than I was (without surgery, mind you!), I feel like I have something to add here.
This is not a post about fasting, just to state that up front so I don't waste anyone's time. :-) I just thought I'd share a little of my own processing and how I've continued to struggle, and how it was my viewpoint that changed things the most for me and not just how I eat.
I'm a 43 year old single dad of four (two teenage boys with me 100% of the time, two in their early 20's on their own). I was overweight and always had self-confidence issues (not self-esteem issues though - there's a subtle difference). I didn't really start packing the pounds on until my ex got pregnant with my first (the older two were 4 and 2 when we met, but they're mine now, ha!). Basically I went from living at home after a failed college career, taking a dying mom to chemotherapy, to being a father of four within two years. At 6'4" I went from an average weight of around 250 up to around 430 or so by around 2000-2001. I was and have always been the funniest guy in the room, the most welcoming, the most emotionally accessible -- to others. I believe that enablers have a fundamental challenge with how they see their own self-worth, so although they are about the nicest folks you'd ever meet, they have a hard time including themselves in the circle of souls they show love to. I was not motivated by self-worth, but by fear of being alone, fear of dying, fear of not being wanted by my wife. She is/was a bipolar/borderline (undiagnosed back then), and if you know anything about that kind of partnership, you know that someone wired like me learns to route their self-view through someone else's distorted vision. Her fragmented self-hate (she also has PTSD) and ever-changing perception of me was allowed to mold me into something I no longer recognized, filled with panic attacks, health issues, and fear. Food was my coping mechanism.
I lost my first 100 pounds on Atkins, but I didn't do it for me, I did it for her - to be more attractive, not understanding that the mind and body must grow together to be healthy. Bounced up and down all the time, weight-wise, which is certainly not unique. When she left in 2006, make no mistake that I was utterly destroyed. I had made some huge strides in my ability to see myself as a worthy and vital human being, but still - the only reason I kept going was that I was the only source of emotional stability my kids had -- I was now motivated by a new fear. . .that I would die and they would be lost. I needed to get healthy. It wasn't a clean process, but dammit friends, life is not a clean and simple process. It's rich and complicated and the pain you feel is important and has meaning, should you have the courage to face the things that scare you. At one point I recognized that if the shadows of the past are stretched out in front of me, then my back is to my light source. Turning around is the first step, and you'll find yourself having to do it time and time again. I got a great therapist, and a gym membership, and started educating myself on, well, me. :-)
Currently I'm about 225, and have put on about 25 pounds of muscle. Sure, I've got about 20 pounds or so of blub that I'd like to lose, but once you've taken back your self-perception and re-acquainted yourself with the fact that you're the hero in your own story, you release the need to be perfect and regard yourself in a more loving light. You cannot transform yourself in order to satisfy a flawed vision of who you are. You must meet in the middle, in that place where you can wrap your arms around yourself and demonstrate the love you've given to others, and stop waiting for an outside source to nourish your soul. This is not something that starts "once you lose X pounds" -- it starts right now, today. The soft armor you've built up around you is not a shield from pain -- this we already know. It is just simply a tangible way that you have validated your inner view of yourself as weak and "not good enough," even as you look back at the tremendous acts of personal strength that you have accomplished and never truly owned as wonderful credits to you.
At first it was for my wife, then it was for my kids. Anything but for me. Then the little light went off in my head. What do I really, truly want for my children? What I really want is for them to be fully realized individuals who know how to create happiness for themselves regardless of the circumstances. Just like a bear in the woods, teaching a cub to fish, you can't sit on your ass and bark directions. You have to show them what it looks like. To do that, it cannot be about them. It has to be about you. I realized that in avoiding myself and giving myself fully to others, I was not teaching them how to be empathetic and generous, I was teaching them that when they grow up and have kids, their lives will no longer matter either. Who would want to grow up? I mean, seriously - THAT's what I've got to look forward to? No thank you! :-)
I had the love of my children. Now I have their admiration and respect, as they have mine. I have it because I gave that gift to myself first, and that has made all the difference.
Stop kicking youself in the head and give youself a hand, and a hand up. It's a good place to start. :-)
Phil
From: Lesley Taylor <lesleytaylor6112@yahoo.com>
To: fast5@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Thu, September 30, 2010 4:09:53 AM
Subject: Re: [fast5] Help.....please do not be nice !
Thank you for your reply Nikki. I agree with you totally about how this is down to us. I am amazed at the years of dieting and self sabotage that I have put upon myself - when things start to go in the right direction I just go right in there and blow it! A counsellor once told me that I am acutally fearful of losing weight and that I use my fat as a form of protection. I have acknowledged this for many years now but still don't know how to get over the hurdle of losing weight and not being scared to do so.
Tomorrow I will be spending 4 days with a group of very close friends and as much as I know that they would completely understand if I were to explain to them that I only eat once a day, I will still put "starting again" off until after the weekend. There is absoloutley no reason why I can not start now......this very minute. This is where I can see that I am just very selfish and want everything my own way, I expect rewards for not trying and then spend weeks wallowing in my own self pity and writing to a chat group to justify what I am "not" doing.
Maybe all you fast 5 groupers will do me a great big favour and tell me a few home truths.......no pity please.......be ruthless!!!!
From: Niki Barker <nicollbarker@hotmail.co.uk>
To: fast5@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Wed, September 29, 2010 4:10:19 PM
Subject: RE: [fast5] Been away too long........
This is exactly where I am at. I have a week off work this week so that's my excuse until next Monday. I have recently put on 7 pounds which I am so cross with myself about as I have maintained my weight for nearly 2 years. Now I've started eating all day again I've felt so sluggish that I haven't been exercising or anything, just stuffing myself no matter how full I feel, no wonder I've put on 7 pounds, would probably be more except I suspect I've lost some of the muscle I worked so hard to build up. I know I will lose it again when I start back on Fast5 and, like you, I really want to start, but obviously not badly enough as I keep finding an excuse as to why I should eat today and start again tomorrow. I keep telling myself how fab I felt not eating in the day and how much energy I had. There is so much temptation at home at the moment which is why I'm thinking start on Monday, I really, really want to start so why the hell can't I?
Very frustrated with myself. Not looking for answers as I know it is all down to me and I need to get back into the right mindset but maybe putting it down in words will help make me focus....Come on girl, you've done it before for ages, it was so easy.
Grrrrrrr Niki
To: fast5@yahoogroups.com
From: lesleytaylor6112@yahoo.com
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 2010 22:22:31 +0000
Subject: [fast5] Been away too long........
Why did I go away? I went on holiday and abondened my fast 5 plan which was going so well. When I returned home I just could not seem to get back on track and have now been 5 weeks eating all day - it all seems so chaotic - out of control - self sabbotage. I keep telling myself to start again tomorrow and then first thing in the morning I tell myself "tomorrow" and I eat. We are spending this weekend with friends so there is yet another excuse to start next week. I wonder why something that worked so well for me obviously scares me. I am so angry with myself.
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