That is beautiful, thank you so much!
--- In fast5@yahoogroups.com, Phil Voelker <mail4pvoelker@...> wrote:
>
> Okay, being that I'm about 200 pounds lighter than I was (without surgery, mind
> you!), I feel like I have something to add here.
>
> This is not a post about fasting, just to state that up front so I don't waste
> anyone's time. :-) I just thought I'd share a little of my own processing and
> how I've continued to struggle, and how it was my viewpoint that changed things
> the most for me and not just how I eat.
>
>
> I'm a 43 year old single dad of four (two teenage boys with me 100% of the time,
> two in their early 20's on their own). I was overweight and always had
> self-confidence issues (not self-esteem issues though - there's a subtle
> difference). I didn't really start packing the pounds on until my ex got
> pregnant with my first (the older two were 4 and 2 when we met, but they're mine
> now, ha!). Basically I went from living at home after a failed college career,
> taking a dying mom to chemotherapy, to being a father of four within two years.Â
> At 6'4" I went from an average weight of around 250 up to around 430 or so by
> around 2000-2001. I was and have always been the funniest guy in the room, the
> most welcoming, the most emotionally accessible -- to others.  I believe that
> enablers have a fundamental challenge with how they see their own self-worth,Â
> so although they are about the nicest folks you'd ever meet, they have a hard
> time including themselves in the circle of souls they show love to. I was not
> motivated by self-worth, but by fear of being alone, fear of dying, fear of not
> being wanted by my wife. She is/was a bipolar/borderline (undiagnosed back
> then), and if you know anything about that kind of partnership, you know that
> someone wired like me learns to route their self-view through someone else's
> distorted vision. Her fragmented self-hate (she also has PTSD) and
> ever-changing perception of me was allowed to mold me into something I no longer
> recognized, filled with panic attacks, health issues, and fear. Food was my
> coping mechanism.
>
> I lost my first 100 pounds on Atkins, but I didn't do it for me, I did it for
> her - to be more attractive, not understanding that the mind and body must grow
> together to be healthy. Bounced up and down all the time, weight-wise, which is
> certainly not unique. When she left in 2006, make no mistake that I was utterly
> destroyed. I had made some huge strides in my ability to see myself as a worthy
> and vital human being, but still - the only reason I kept going was that I was
> the only source of emotional stability my kids had -- I was now motivated by a
> new fear. . .that I would die and they would be lost. I needed to get healthy.Â
> It wasn't a clean process, but dammit friends, life is not a clean and simple
> process. It's rich and complicated and the pain you feel is important and has
> meaning, should you have the courage to face the things that scare you. At one
> point I recognized that if the shadows of the past are stretched out in front of
> me, then my back is to my light source. Turning around is the first step, and
> you'll find yourself having to do it time and time again. I got a great
> therapist, and a gym membership, and started educating myself on, well, me.Â
> :-)Â Â
>
>
> Currently I'm about 225, and have put on about 25 pounds of muscle. Sure, I've
> got about 20 pounds or so of blub that I'd like to lose, but once you've taken
> back your self-perception and re-acquainted yourself with the fact that you're
> the hero in your own story, you release the need to be perfect and regard
> yourself in a more loving light. You cannot transform yourself in order to
> satisfy a flawed vision of who you are.  You must meet in the middle, in that
> place where you can wrap your arms around yourself and demonstrate the love
> you've given to others, and stop waiting for an outside source to nourish your
> soul. This is not something that starts "once you lose X pounds" -- it starts
> right now, today. The soft armor you've built up around you is not a shield
> from pain -- this we already know. It is just simply a tangible way that you
> have validated your inner view of yourself as weak and "not good enough," even
> as you look back at the tremendous acts of personal strength that you have
> accomplished and never truly owned as wonderful credits to you.Â
>
>
> At first it was for my wife, then it was for my kids. Anything but for me.Â
> Then the little light went off in my head. What do I really, truly want for my
> children? What I really want is for them to be fully realized individuals who
> know how to create happiness for themselves regardless of the circumstances.Â
> Just like a bear in the woods, teaching a cub to fish, you can't sit on your ass
> and bark directions. You have to show them what it looks like. To do that, it
> cannot be about them. It has to be about you. I realized that in avoiding
> myself and giving myself fully to others, I was not teaching them how to be
> empathetic and generous, I was teaching them that when they grow up and have
> kids, their lives will no longer matter either. Who would want to grow up? I
> mean, seriously - THAT's what I've got to look forward to? No thank you! :-)Â
>
>
> I had the love of my children. Now I have their admiration and respect, as they
> have mine. I have it because I gave that gift to myself first, and that has
> made all the difference.Â
>
> Stop kicking youself in the head and give youself a hand, and a hand up. It's a
> good place to start. :-)
>
> Phil
>
>
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