Marc, how about model building? They have scale ships, cars, and
other things, too. It sounds like you are a person with strong
attention to detail, so you'd be quite good at this. The kits vary in
price, but none of them are really expensive. Another idea is
building a doll house. The initial cash outlay is probably more for
this, but you can sell the doll house when you are finished. These
can be quite detailed, as much as you want to put into it.
I also find that digging in the dirt, growing things, brings peace to
me. It kind of puts me in a zone where I have no real sense of
passing time and am just one with what I'm doing. Some crafts do the
same thing, such as painting, working with clay and even the model
building I mentioned above.
You didn't ask, but as the mother type, I'll tell you anyways. For
your own sake, you need to retrain the way you think. We all have
self-talk, the voices in our brains. Most peoples' is somewhat
critical, pointing out their own mistakes, screw-ups, but yours seems
extremely negative. You need to retrain yourself so that when those
angry thoughts about what you can't do come into your mind, you need
to counter them. You can do this both by calling to me all of the
many things you still CAN do and by reminding yourself that you are
overblowing the importance of that one thing. Whether or not you can
drive, for example, is certainly inconvenient, but it isn't a life-
ending catastrophe either.
For myself, I've also found that developing my sense of gratitude
also helps keep the negatives at bay. (I don't have epilepsy, but
have chronic depression and fibromyalgia, both of which I take meds
to help.) Whenever my kids used to say, "Life isn't fair," I would
reply, "Of course it isn't. If it was, you wouldn't have it nearly so
good." Most of us on this list have a place to live, enough food to
keep us going, heat in the winter, AC in the summer, at least a few
people in our lives who care about us, clothes and belongings that
enrich our lives, clean water, a free public education (yeah, the
quality varies a LOT), medical care, and no warfare in our front
hards. There are literally millions of people in the world who don't
have these things.
I am not currently doing it, but I used to keep a gratitude journal.
Just take any notebook, and each and every day write down a minimum
of three things that you were grateful for that day. They may be
pretty small some days, I'll grant you:) But Megan has seizures, and
we're grateful if she doesn't hurt herself when she falls during a
seizure, for example. Her boyfriend has been driving my car and got
into two fender benders. I was grateful no one was hurt. And then
there are the many positives in our lives that are just too easy to
overlook, and we often do overlook them. The leaves on a maple in
autumn, a smile from someone you meet on the street, the kind person
who stops to help you when you need directions or drop something...
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
I'm sorry if this comes across as preachy. I'm a person who has a
pretty good outlook on life, but that negative self-talk can really
get you down. Hugs and my best wishes to you.
Tammy
Megan's Mom
PS What you are doing with the scratching of yourself until you bleed
sounds very similar to cutting, which is something a lot of teens are
doing right now. I've known a few kids who were cutters, and they say
that it's a release for them, lets out their bad feelings. It's
definitely not the best coping mechanism, though. Are you still
seeing a counselor? Do talk with him or her about this. I don't have
any good advice on other things you can do instead of the self-
mutilation that are more constructive, but I'm sure your counselor will.
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